Pettential

Performance gear

All Products

24 products across 6 divisions. Every one designed for an animal that will not use it.

Goldfish Treadmill Pro™
🐟 Aquatic Performance
Goldfish Treadmill Pro™

Because stagnation is a choice.

$249.99
Aquarium Standing Desk™
🐟 Aquatic Performance
Aquarium Standing Desk™

Improves posture, reduces float fatigue.

$199.99
Fish Eye Contact Training Kit™
🐟 Aquatic Performance
Fish Eye Contact Training Kit™

Finally hold a conversation.

$69.99
Underwater Whiteboard™
🐟 Aquatic Performance
Underwater Whiteboard™

For brainstorming sessions that dissolve immediately.

$129.99
Snake Tie Collection™
🐍 Serpent Workplace Solutions
Snake Tie Collection™

Pre-knotted. They can't tie it.

$89.99
Ergonomic Snake Chair™
🐍 Serpent Workplace Solutions
Ergonomic Snake Chair™

Supports undefined spine zones.

$349.99
Motivational Posters for Snakes™
🐍 Serpent Workplace Solutions
Motivational Posters for Snakes™

'Hang in there.' (They can't.)

$34.99
Handshake Simulation Device™
🐍 Serpent Workplace Solutions
Handshake Simulation Device™

Teaches trust in limb-free environments.

$119.99
Parrot Resume Optimization Suite™
🐦 Avian Professional Development
Parrot Resume Optimization Suite™

ATS-optimized squawks.

$179.99
Email Tone Translator™
🐦 Avian Professional Development
Email Tone Translator™

Converts chirps into passive aggression.

$99.99
Bird Cubicle Divider Kit™
🐦 Avian Professional Development
Bird Cubicle Divider Kit™

For open-air offices.

$159.99
Pigeon Urban Navigation GPS™
🐦 Avian Professional Development
Pigeon Urban Navigation GPS™

'You're already there.'

$79.99
Tortoise HIIT Program™
🐢 Reptile Fitness & Mobility
Tortoise HIIT Program™

12-week plan. 1% improvement guaranteed.*

$149.99
Sloth High-Intensity Interval Training™
🐢 Reptile Fitness & Mobility
Sloth High-Intensity Interval Training™

One rep per week.

$129.99
Motivational Whistle™
🐢 Reptile Fitness & Mobility
Motivational Whistle™

Ignored completely.

$24.99
Performance Tracking Wearable™
🐢 Reptile Fitness & Mobility
Performance Tracking Wearable™

Detects no change over time.

$199.99
Cow Yoga Mat™
🐄 Farm Animal Lifestyle Upgrades
Cow Yoga Mat™

For mindful grazing.

$89.99
Chicken Noise-Canceling Headphones™
🐄 Farm Animal Lifestyle Upgrades
Chicken Noise-Canceling Headphones™

Block existential clucking.

$149.99
Pig Spa Day Kit™
🐄 Farm Animal Lifestyle Upgrades
Pig Spa Day Kit™

Mud, but curated.

$109.99
Goat Personal Branding Course™
🐄 Farm Animal Lifestyle Upgrades
Goat Personal Branding Course™

Become the GOAT.

$199.99
LinkedIn Premium for Cats™
🐈 Corporate Pets Division
LinkedIn Premium for Cats™

Endorse: napping, pushing things off tables, ignoring stakeholders.

$59.99
Dog Performance Review Toolkit™
🐈 Corporate Pets Division
Dog Performance Review Toolkit™

'Needs improvement: mailman relations.'

$79.99
Executive Office for Hamsters™
🐈 Corporate Pets Division
Executive Office for Hamsters™

Includes tiny burnout.

$249.99
Zoom Background Generator for Pets™
🐈 Corporate Pets Division
Zoom Background Generator for Pets™

Beach, office, burnout loft.

$39.99