Terms of Use

Effective date: whenever the tortoise finishes reading this.

1. Acceptance of Terms

By accessing Pettential, you agree to these terms. Your pet does not agree, has not been consulted, and lacks the legal standing to enter into binding agreements. This has not stopped us from sending them quarterly performance reviews.

2. Product Disclaimers

Pettential products are designed to enhance pet performance. “Enhance” is used aspirationally. No product has produced measurable improvement in any animal across any metric in any study we have conducted or are aware of. By purchasing, you acknowledge that improvement is a theoretical construct as applied to your pet.

3. Service Guarantees

Our Enterprise tier guarantees “results.” Results are defined as the continued existence of your pet during the subscription period. We do not guarantee improvement, engagement, participation, acknowledgment, or any form of behavioral change. The guarantee is voided if your pet ceases to exist for reasons unrelated to our services, which is all reasons.

4. Returns & Refunds

Products may be returned within 30 days in their original packaging. Your pet cannot fill out the return form. You may fill it out on their behalf. We will process the return and note in our records that your pet's performance journey has been paused. Not ended. Paused.

5. Limitation of Liability

Pettential is not liable for any outcomes — positive, negative, or nonexistent — resulting from the use of our products. Given that the most common outcome is “nothing,” this clause is largely theoretical.

For binding legal terms, always refer to the Specific Industries umbrella policy at specificindustries.com/terms.